Does the title make you uncomfortable? Many Christian families in our day have had to face the sudden shock that comes from the announcement that an adult son or daughter is gay. (I use the term "gay" because it is part of the reality of our current culture.)

When this reality comes to your home, it brings shock, confusion, and fear. A word that is often used to describe the state of mind and emotion that comes with this revelation is "death." Death of a dream - the story or script that you envisioned for your child. The death of a hope that your son or daughter would grow up to share and embrace the same belief system that you highly value. The death of a relationship you thought you had. The relationship does not have to die, but it will be different.

Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross developed a theory of the stages of grief many years ago, and it is helpful for people who experience various kinds of losses. The loss that comes with the revelation of the homosexuality of a loved one often includes the five stages of grief: shock/denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

How do you get to the final stage of acceptance? It will often require moving through the other four stages of grief. What does acceptance mean? It is a process of sorting out - with God, yourself, others, and your loved one - all the mental and emotional adaptations that will enable you to move forward. Acceptance does not mean changing your beliefs. It does not mean that you condone something you understand to be sin. Instead, acceptance establishes a new relationship that enables you to move forward with new boundaries and expectations. This new relationship provides you opportunities to love your son or daughter redemptively.

Parents moving through this painful experience can be helped by biblical counsel, books, and by a support group with other parents experiencing the same dilemma. I led such a group in this last year. We all learned much by listening to each couple's stories, praying together, examining Scripture, and going through a book called When Homosexuality Hits Home by Joe Dallas, a former homosexual. The book helped these parents gain understanding, set relational boundaries for this new relationship, and ask their son or daughter questions that helped them understand their son or daughter better. It also helped the parents find God in a deeper way through the whole experience.

Parents going through this experience have a natural tendency to heap unwarranted guilt upon themselves. They often see this as a failure of their parenting. The truth is that it takes a constellation of factors for a person to become a homosexual. Parental mistakes can be one of many factors.

The support group can do a lot to reduce guilt, bring comfort, and help these hurting parents grow. In our group, we witnessed many tears together, especially in the early weeks. What encouraged me was that as time went on, group members were able to at times laugh at themselves and with fellow group members. The members grew in their own personal strength and in their relationship with God. As with any form of adversity we experience in life, with the help of our God we can not only survive - we can thrive.

Finally, have faith. Jesus came to heal the broken-hearted and set the captives free. Jesus still changes lives. There are many stories of homosexuals who have been transformed by God's intervention and love.

Helpful Resources (click on title to purchase online through Faith & Fellowship Bookstore):
The Story of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32)
When Homosexuality Hits Home, by Joe Dallas (Harvest House, 2004)
Someone I Love is Gay, by Bob Davies and Anita Worthen (InterVarsity Press, 1996)
On Death and Dying, by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross (Macmillan Publishing, 1969)

Rev. Dan Borsheim is Executive Director of Valley Christian Counseling Center in Fargo, ND. He attends Triumph LBC, Moorhead, MN.